Safe Wishes

It isn't easy to figure out the Where, How, When, Who and Why of life. It's been called a crazy road, one blind turn after the other ; a glued together book, when only one page is magically revealed at a time ; recently a box of chocolates, where you don't know which one you will get. Many of us spend precious hours trying to make sense of it all. Struggle to find a pattern to the chaos. We push so hard against reality, trying to unlock our dreams, hopes, expectations that are hidden just behind this unjustly put titanium safe.
But.. there lies the catch..
A tiny bit of us wants this safe to never be unlocked.. if it is so then who will we blame, bicker about ; if we do not have the "darn safe" safeguarding our wishes, then we jolly well have to fulfill them or live upto them.

Obstacles, destiny, circumstances are comforting blankets that we snuggle into when our dreams seem too close or just within our grasp. If I reach out and my dream melts away on fruition, or worse I realize I never really wanted this, then What do I live for, How do I justify my past, When will I realize what I want, Who will I blame, Why will I hope?

Darkness

Unhappiness is like a blackhole.. it sucks you right in. There is no escaping it. You can plan to evade it, attempt to avoid it but, it is everywhere you go. It is like wearing wrong and dark prescription glasses.. everything is hazy, everything is tainted.. There is absence of light.
You try so hard to not let this darkness destroy everything that you hold dear..but the more you try… higher the chances of absolute ruin. “Run from the ruin” you tell yourself. But you cannot. It is all you know, it is part of every fiber of your being. You are the darkness now.

How did it come to be part of you? In a foolish and abjectly naïve attempt to ‘complete’ your life, you cut an integral piece. The joke is on you.. and it is everyone’s to share. You are no longer yourself, you abhor the mirror and reflections both literal and figurative. You see, you are on the run from reality and it is a sordid race, and you are going to lose because you are missing a limb.

Inexplicable chaos...

I have read that silent waters run deep.. But what happens when a hitherto silent lake is disturbed, and the current gets too strong? The current can then sweep you away, into a land of surreal dreams, unbelievable truths ... and most importantly transport you to a future which you can experience and taste today..

It is overwhelming, it is obnoxious that such a thing can even occur.. and yet here you are... Wishing that this whirlpool of emotions, hopes and expectations does not cease.. You are enthralled by the feeling of breathlessness, and adrenaline rush.. You don't want to stop your world from spinning around.. Because, even a moment of sanity is way too much to take..

Let the chaos ensue, For I seek my dream... that is true..

Speeding ahead of action, are my thoughts.. It isn't what I need.. it is an ailment that i have got

For the sake of avoiding being forsaken..

Peace, welcome, clarity, some of the many reasons we seek solace in the sacred... The profane, is quite often disturbing and distressing.. We move towards the unknown, coz it is accepting. The worst fear that any human has is to be forsaken, and not accepted.. God and the "divine" power is so beseechingly tempting because it is all accepting. We are taught that the divine is all pervasive and nothing is hidden from him. So therefore, he has been with you in your darkest hour, your most guilty deed and yet will not judge you coz there are others like you, better and more importantly worse.

Therefore, we visit a shrine because we know we will not be turned away.. because we need to know that we will not be forsaken, that somebody or something still believes in us and that is why we are there... or rather that in our most negative moment.. we Still believe in something or somebody.. and that is why we are there...

An innocent child or a wily lady of the night..?

Bryant Par, 42nd and , it is a perfect summer afternoon; lazy, overcast and cool.As I sit on a bench alone with just my thoughts for company, I feel that I belong. Somehow this city is like an innocent child belonging to whoever welcomes it with open arms, and a smile.. Or is it more like the wily lady of the night, who is everybody's to have and yet nobody's to keep?

I wish I could bottle up this moment of solitude, calm and clarity. But moments time often are like small " one time use" bottles of perfume. Just one whiff as you savour it and then it lingers on in the memory.. Bewitching, tempting and a little romanticised. We tend to romanticise our experiences, the good, the bad and the forsaken.

So then.. the is the question whether this moment is really that beautiful or am I romanticising it?
No,it does not really matter.. even if it is romanticisation.. it is mine..

City of blinding lights and liberation...

A city full of sites, a city full of life.. a city where inspite of the busy architecture there is so much air to breathe. Breathe in the freedom, non-judgemental glances and clarity of thought. In a city which is so busy, for a stranger the pace of life is unreal. I felt like i had stopped in time and the world was moving at an unbelievable speed. Rushing by, and as it rushed past me it highlighted the still state of mind i was in. This stillness stemmed more from confusion than peace, sometimes for you to have perspective you need to let things settle. Just like in a whirlwind, it is not clear what all is being blown away, so it is in a cluttered mind. When you let things settle, you realise what really it was that was bothering you.



As I sat at madison park at 23rd and 5th.. I saw people rushing to work, to life, to deadlines, to meetings, to new beginnings, to never ending meetings, to the usual, and perhaps not mundane.

There I was, as far away from everything that I knew.. and yet to hold onto something comfortable, i was listening to jagjit singh and rafi. The familiar melodies, helped me acclimatize.

NYC, it is an easy city to get lose yourself, but an easier one to find..

Never say Never

Walking down a long winding street, I looked back and realized how unpleasantly expected my reservations in life have been( That of a staid, unsure girl). While, my few and far in between impulsive decisions have been unexpectedly pleasant.

More often than not, we end up binding our own selves; sometimes it is in the garb of "values", at times it is decked up as " norms". But, what it usually is our own fear. A fear of discovering who we are, what we like, what we can do.

To be brought up, visualising how you would be when you "grow older:, or what is expected out of you un-intentionally( at times intentionally), is a staple for most of us. It is not for the lack of love. It just so is.

But, at times discovering yourself is like growing a second tow nail. it takes a while for it to come to the forefront and while it's there just underneath your usual, it hurts, its painful. And finally, it replaces the old.

I'm glad to be proven wrong, and have truly lived the past 25 years. Infact I think I have lived more in the last 4 years, then in the twenty before them.

Thank you God, for letting me know myself. I truly have learnt that it is best to Never say Never.